I am an old lady

I remember when I was in my twenties I could drink many beers and smoke many smokes and stay up late and still function well at work on only 4 hours of sleep. I remember when my teenagers were babies I could breastfeed twins until midnight, make a grocery run until 2am, catch a few zzzzzzzzs and then go to work at 8 then run home and make dinner.......

I was wonder woman.

I could dig up an entire flower bed and plant a hundred bulbs before lunch.

ahhhh the good ole days when my body was young.

Do you remember your first gray hair? I do, my kids were toddlers and I was at my Mom's and I caught a sight of one in a mirror and shrieked. My Mother laughed her ass off.

After my divorce I was in my 30's and I took up running- 10-15 miles per week and I also worked full time and took care of 3 kids, and dated. Yes, I quit smoking. I was amazing.

So what happened? I'm not sure but it kind of creeped up on me. Nowadays I feel like an old lady. Before I go to bed I have to take my Zocor for my cholesterol and then remember to put my eye cream on. I usually fall asleep during The Daily Show.

In the morning I need Advil , coffee, and a heating pad just to feel human.

I have to get my roots done.

I have neck pain AGAIN.

I saw my orthopedic surgeon again this week. Heck of a nice guy but he is a surgeon after all. You see I have 'degenerative disc disease' in my neck and that translates to at age 45- 3 ruptured disks in my neck so far . This also means I have endured 3 surgeries. That sucks. Anyway, the good news is my last surgery went fine and I am 'mechanically stable' although he is unable to determine whether I am emotionally stable.....

Ha Ha ha. That was a joke folks.

So what is the point of this? Well, I am a 'glass is half-full' kinda Gal so I remain optimistic about my health. I do understand that choices in my twenties and thirties have consequences in my forties and I can live with that. I also understand that my forties and fifties and sixties and so on will be affected by my choices now.

I will NOT GIVE UP

I choose to be optimistic and attempt to regain my momentum again, after all, 45 is the new 65, right?

Wheelchair wars

Yesterday I had the distinct honor of taking my Mother to a follow up appointment with her knee surgeon. Last week she had knee surgery and he needed to take a look to make sure it was healing properly. Since her surgery, Mom has been wrapped tightly in an ace bandage underneath a velcroed thigh-high immobilizer. This device is designed to prevent her from bending her knee as well as offering some bumper protection while it heals.

I try to be a good daughter so even though I had no experience with wheelchairs, I volunteered to do my duty and take her to the appointment since she could not drive while it was still on. How hard could it be, right?

Wrong.

You see, in order to transport Mom from the car (yeah Valet parking!) to the physician's office high on the 3rd floor of Hillcrest hospital, we needed a wheelchair. Now here's the thing- Mom is very independent and I am completely unskilled in wheelchair pushing. I knew we were doomed when we first arrived at the Hospital. Picture this- Mom gets out of the car and while I am dealing with the parking valet, she is waving her cane and already hobbling towards the swooshing double doors into the hospital.....

"MOM!" I cried

Nothing. Nada.

"MOM!" louder this time.

'MOM STOP!"

Mom paused, and glanced backward ever so contritely. I trotted over to her and grasped her elbow so I would be ready to catch her if she fell. 'Mom I need to get you a wheel chair"

"NOOOO we don't need that" she replied, annoyed.

"Mom, seriously, you shouldn't walk that far and if anything happened to you Dad would have my head. Please...'

Sighing she shrugged. "Oh.... OK"

Once I wrestled one from a hospital volunteer, I sat Mom in the wheelchair and attempted to figure out how to get her outstretched limb to fit onto the very short foot pedal. There was no way. I jammed her foot onto the pedal hoping her pain meds had kicked in. Mom just looked at me.

I handed Mom her purse and cane and proceeded to move forward.

'EEEEEK" the wheelchair squealed. Mom winced.

"Sorry Mom"

I guess it helps to loosen the hand brakes. Duh.

Mom smiled.

I released the brakes and now the wheelchair cooperated. After a few toggles I managed to get Mom moving at a pretty good clip as I navigated through the busy atrium of the hospital on my way to the elevator. Too good to be true.

Turning that sucker turned out to be harder than I anticipated and I plowed into a trashcan cleverly positioned between the elevator doors.

"Sorry Mom"

I managed to back her into the elevator when it opened but still banged her against the back wall as I tried to make room for other elevator patrons.

"Crap. Sorry Mom"

Getting out of the elevator was even harder since I had to wiggle out of the corner once again thumping her outstretched leg on another trashcan-land mine .

"Sorry Mom"

We managed to make it down the hallway and around two corners without incident and I began to think I had the hang of this thing. That was before I had to wrestle the Doctor's office door while maneuvering the wheelchair at the same time.

Thunkety thunk.

"Sorry Mom"

I pictured the police questioning me about the bruises on my poor Mother's leg. Guilt set in.

Wiggling Mom around a row of waiting room chairs I managed to position her close enough to the front desk so she could check in. A bead of sweat ran down my face.

The Receptionist grinned.

"Sorry Mom"

A nurse opened the waiting room door and called my mother's name.

Suddenly Mom sprang out of the wheelchair and hobbled into the office clearly done with the whole wheel chair thing.

I smiled.

" I love you Mom"

My Monkey Baby

When we were kids, my sister always wanted a pet monkey. She would dream about pushing it around in a carriage and building an inside jungle gym for it. She would take care of it and it would be adorable and wonderful. This was typical cutsie little girls stuff. She thought monkeys were cute and it would be sooooo fun to have one to dress up and play with. She is now a grown woman with 3 kids and has seen the silliness of this pre-adolescent girl fantasy.

I had forgotten this until Sunday night when I was flipping channels and stumbled on a documentary. I understand that my sister has matured and realized the folly of baby animals in the suburbs.

Unfortunately this is not the case for the folks displayed on the new TLC "reality" show called 'My Baby Monkey". Trust me , there is little reality here for these folks. If you haven't seen this already go ahead and boost their Neilson ratings and take a gander at this on-air train wreck. I kid you not- these loons have pet monkeys that they dress up, diaper, and sleep with. I have a feeling that this is quite possibly an American -only phenomenon. In our spoiled world yes folks, there is room for lonely souls keep pet monkeys and treat them as children.

Want to see an example? Check this out: http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=uP4k1imPy54

Honestly, I couldn't make this stuff up!

This is more than strange, it is sad. And hilarious. These baby-monkeys certainly were better dressed than my own children when they were little. I was almost ashamed- ooh wait- nevermind. I was very ashamed. I could not tear my eyes away. The baby-monkeys crap all over the house. I feel so emotionally healthy now I could rival Dr. Phil for advice! Call me- I am qualified!!

It is heart wrenching to see a tiny two-week old baby recently taken from it's mother being bottle-fed by it's new 'parents' and even worse to witness this monkey mama's frantic reaction- are we that conceited to think we can do better at raising this baby? What would PETA have to say?

Do we really have so much free time that we have to feed our unresolved parental needs with wild animals? Do we, as a rich society really want to encourage this? As a soon-to-be emptynester, I am qualified to speak on this topic. I clearly understand the biological pull that can effect our feelings and behavior, but baby monkeys? REALLY?

Now I am usually of the belief that it takes all kinds to make the world go around and normally I would not think to judge others about their lifestyle choices, but this is different. Honestly, this program glorified the pathology that created this compulsion. Frankly, a mental health professional is dearly needed here.

For me, I think, since I can't wait to watch this again....

There is no nobility in Poverty

As a woman, I always had a fear of money. Not like a phobia, but certainly anxiety assocoated with getting money, asking for a raise, managing money, etc. I was easily intimidated. When I was married, my then husband used money as a way to exercise his 'freedom' and control as a man. He would cash his paycheck, spend what he wanted, and then give me the rest to put towards bills. Needless to say, this did not work out well! He liked to party and that was not cheap. I actually developed the preception that struggling financially meant that I was more noble that those greedy types who sacraficed morals for cash. Contrary to popular belief, Greed was NOT Good.





I have realized over the years that this belief system hurt me and my children terribly. If I had trusted myself to learn about credit and managing a budget earlier in my life, I would have more saved up for my retirement and my kid's college. It is GOOD for a woman to have control of her own finances !





I recently read an interesting article on MSN.com about a family who successfully paid off over $100, 000 in credit card bills. For the entire article : http://http//www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32884378/ns/business-reinventing_america/


How does that happen? It's is easier than you think to rack up huge credit card bills. If you were like me, my parents didn't talk about money and I never had any class in High school that taught how credit worked- I had to figure it out on my own over the years and honestly, I was never good at it. It is so abstract. What I mean is that because we don't pay for anything in cash anymore, true cost is not as noticable. When you are busy and just getting by, it is more comfortable to push things off in the back of your mind to deal with later.


When I got divorced , money was tight. REALLY tight. This meant that occasionally I had to charge things that I normally would have paid for from my checking account. Like groceries. By the way: You know you have a problem if you are charging groceries on your Visa.





As a single mom I had to rely on my own ability to support the 3 kids since my ex could not/would not pay child support. As a result, my own credit card debt skyrocked. It took me years to figure out how to manage my money and to be proud of my money. My kids are teenagers now and I have a lovely man under my roof, but I still remember those early years when I had to choose between money for gas to get to work or money for lunch. If I had known more I would not have been afraid and the quality of life for my family would have been better. I have tried to teach my kids about the rules of engagement when it comes to money and here are some words of wisdom:


1) Get a home accounting software like Quicken and then USE IT. This software shows you what your net worth is- savings and assets minus debt. This is a visual way to quickly see where you are each day. List all your credit cards with the credit limit, Percentage rate, and current balances. LOOK AT IT> Stop using the cards that have the highest %rate as well as any credit cards that you have used more than 35% of the available credit. STOP. Put them away. Start paying off the higest interest credit cards first- and pay as much as you can, the minimum payment is NOT enough.


2) For 1 month write down in a notebook everything you spend money on -the kid's lunch money, rent, gasoline, gum, gifts, every latte, everything. This will make you aware of your spending choices and allow you to gain control.


3) Look at your spending and identify what your fixed costs are- these you cannot change (Rent, car payment, etc) How much of your take home pay is left over after these are paid?


4) Create a budget and stick to it.

5) Decrease your variable expenses (groceries, electricity, gifts, etc) any way you can. Use coupons, barter, shop at thrift stores.

6) If you are not making enough to pay off your bills and save for retirement, find ways to make more money- a second job or have a garage sale!


Remember- it is NEVER to late to get back on track!

Jon and Kate plus Puke

Have you seen the show? Jon and Kate plus Eight truly have the cutest 8 kids on TV. Hands down, but it has spiraled into a tragic slow-motion train wreck I can't watch anymore.

My opinion, obviously.

When I first started watching, the kids were little and the show was great for one reason- the kids were freakin cute as hell. My own kids were now teenagers and those days when they were babies are a blur for me. Having 1 set of multiples with a 2 year old at the time, I clearly understood the juggling act required to make sure everyone was fed, had clean diapers, and nobody was killed at the end of each day. This family has 1 set of twins plus sextuplets. This is incredible. I had the utmost respect for the necessity of of the practical that Kate Gosseling displays. Yes, she can be a bit condescending and I certainly have no appetite for her religious views, but she ran that household like a well oiled machine which is admirable but to top it off- she has the patience of a saint. The noise level alone would have had me drinking vodka and crying at 10:am- but not Kate! Jon seems like a heck of a nice guy- laid back and calm. Jeez- a perfect partner for Kate's OCD methodology. He understood her strengths and enjoyed his kids- nice to watch. And those kids- happy -giggling- adorable.

Don't believe me? Check them out:

http://http://tlc.discovery.com/tv/jon-and-kate/jon-and-kate.html

So what happened? Well, for one thing, Jon quit his job in IT which meant he was home 24/7. The show became so popular that the Gosselins had an opportunity to generate income that could support these 8 kids for a very long time- we all would have taken this chance, trust me. My own marriage deteriorated rapidly during the early years and it was expedited by financial troubles. I would have jumped on this chance just like the Gosselins. Kate likes to write? Great! Lets sell books too- more money for college. But these choices dropped Jon down a rung so he was no longer the bread winner. Inevitable, for sure, but the couple did not adjust for this and that is what ultimately caused the break up.

I knew it was over when I saw the episode they renewed their wedding vows.

I have learned that men need to feel useful as much as women do- and if they do not feel appreciated, they will leave- one way or another. Kate has a habit of barking orders and I can relate because I am the same way. We don't intend to be bossy, but we have so much internal pressure to 'get it right' that we forget our manners. Kate forgot how to preserve Jon's place as the head of the family even if it is in name only.

And Jon forgot how to communicate his feelings to prevent the backlash. For too many years it looks like he let her run things and he felt unappreciated for a long time. At some point he made some choices that you cannot erase. Now it is too late. All he had to do was speak up, but now he has a label of being a party boy, Kate is trying to salvage the show and still have a life and the tabloids are acting like pirrannahs. The drama and bickering became the focus of the show and that didn't help.

So what now? The show is losing Jon and will focus on Kate as a single mom. That may work, but I don't think it will ever be the same. Kate has the skills to run a Fortune 500 company and maybe the Gosselin empire could become that someday, but me? I miss the kids. Yeah, they are still on, but we don't get to see them at ground level anymore. We watch activities now, not the individual children .

Too bad. Those kids are still cute.

Ninja Squirrels

AUTUMN IS HERE

I know this not because the leaves have changed or because there are pumpkins on my neighbor's porches. I know this because the yearly onslaught of projectile acorns has begun the barrage upon my roof. Yes, acorns. Amazing little time capsules of food and DNA, really. But they are noisey.

You see, I live in Cleveland in a lovely turn of the century bungalow. My home is surrounded by numerous 75 year old oak trees that provide privacy and shade all summer long. What this means for the non-initiated, is that my second floor is only half a second floor with a pitched roof and no attic. It really is quite charming. My man and I share the second floor (AKA "Paradise') while the teenagers live on the first floor. This is usually a perfect arrangement mostly due to the fact that it is secluded and quiet and and we can work upstairs in peace.

Unless it's Autumn.

For all you city folk, in the Fall, oak trees start dropping their acorns and the squirrels partake of the buffet and fight over them. They take their acorns back to their nests and save them there, or they bury them all over my yard. They even bury them in my flower pots on my porch. So what's the problem? Ninja Squirrels.


Why? Well, remember my bungalow? All day and all night acorns drop unexpectedly onto my roof like machine gun fire....




Rat at tat tat tat tat at tat tatta ratta.....

Then the Ninja squirrels chase after them accross the eaves...



bummba bumba bum bumba bum bumba ......

Often , due to teritorial issues amongst the male squirrels, fights over acorns ensue:

Rat at tat bumba bumba tata tata mumba mumba borka bumba bumba ...

UGH

I can picture the Ninja squirrels stealthly springing accross the roof after acorns that have just tumbled onto the roof then suddenly being tackled by the Tom Cruise squirrels hidden in the gutters...

All day and all night. I am woken up off and on all night by the acorns. Always the acorns. For WEEKS. The acorns . I'll be on the phone and suddenly be startled out of my wits by the symphony of nuts clattering a mere 6 inches above my head. A sure sign that Halloween is coming and the Holidays are just around the corner. Nature at its most wonderful- the circle if life.

It's lovely.

So what do we do? To cope I imagine my own defense force of Ninga Gerbils securing the parameter and protecting the borders of my roof and keeping the squirrels from winning the battle.




MMMMMM. Do gerbils eat acorns?